Real assertiveness is personal power. It means that you have learned that your feelings and your thoughts are worth expressing if they are important enough to you. It means you have learned to understand that you have a place in this world, and that you value yourself enough to claim it. On the other hand, being truly assertive means that you also appreciate the fact that others have the same rights as you. You are not offended by the assertiveness of another but are able to dialogue with another assertive person, both clear about who you are and what you both need.
Being assertive by no means means that you always get what you want but it can help intensify your sense of self, your value, your right to express who you are and what you need. And that’s a great feeling.
The challenge with assertiveness is that people who don’t do it, often have a hard time fully integrating a belief that they can. This is often because they have received the message that what they say is not important, which of course can translate into the sense that they themselves are unimportant.
Sometimes early efforts at assertiveness overshoot their mark and may feel like aggression to the receiving party. I always think it’s helpful to let others know if you’re working on being assertive. That way they might “cut you some slack” and let you know if your delivery is perhaps a little too harsh, while (hopefully) still supporting your efforts.
I have always liked the following Assertiveness Script which is suitable to use with people that are important to you. It may feel a bit contrived but it becomes more natural with practice.
Assertiveness Script
1. “I think I understand that you. . .” (statement of empathy). eg. are preoccupied with a number of things in your life
2. “But when you . . ” (description of behaviour). eg. miss appointments that we have made
3. “I feel . . ” (expression of feeling). eg. annoyed, sad, etc.
4. “Because. . .” (expression of impact). eg. I feel I could have filled my morning with other things
5. “I would prefer that you. . .” (specification of desired behaviour). eg. Call me well in advance to cancel instead of not showing up
6. “And if you do, I will. . . ” (positive consequences of desired behaviour change). eg. be glad to reschedule at a time that is convenient to us both.
7. “I am concerned because. . .” (affirmation of the relationship). eg. I value my connection with you.
8. “How can we work together to. . . ?” (request for mutual problem solving). eg. sort out this issue
