If you find yourself getting angry a lot when others around you are relatively calm it may be for a number of reasons. Lack of sleep, depressed mood, a low tolerance to stressful situations, and thoughts and/or expectations that may not really be all that realistic.
Of course anger management is a fairly dense topic and we all deal with our anger in different ways, nevertheless if you do have some anger issues (a little too much, a little too often, a little too intense) you may want to think a little bit about how your thinking style may cause your anger to escalate.
Do you have any of the following kinds of thoughts/beliefs/assumptions?
- I can’t be wrong. It’s a sign of weakness.
- When someone drives poorly/ doesn’t keep things neat/ doesn’t do well in school, etc. - it’s clearly intentional (not lack of skill).
- Most of the time I’m right and others are wrong.
- Most people can’t be trusted.
- The louder I get the more people respect me.
There are many more thoughts and feelings common to those who have issues with anger management. What most of them have in common is some level of distortion. That means that they are based on a faulty believe system that tends to filter thinking in ways that are not always true and not always healthy.
While it’s likely that some of these beliefs might have honest roots in early experiences, they don’t typically allow others to have the benefit of the doubt. In fact they often don’t represent what’s true at all. For example, taking the last statement, “The louder I get the more people respect me”. That’s really not the case at all. The result of loudly making a point is that others often feel that responding truthfully will probably get them into more trouble. Others may also react by being “loud” or by “shutting down”. These types of responses are not great for building closeness or intimacy. In fact significant anger issues in relationships make relationships often make it challenging to stay connected. They certainly don’t enhance connection.
While the above information needs to be considered when addressing anger management concerns it’s definitely only one piece of the puzzle. An angry person definitely benefits from increased body awareness, improved assertiveness skills, conflict resolution techniques. In short, anger management techniques holds the promise of developing a range of skills to connect more calmly and effectively with others.
